Hi .......
After a year of waiting to see if my ex boyfriend might change his mind about getting back together, I now know that he definitely does not want to be in a relationship with me again. He contacted me out of the blue and asked to meet for sex. I still love him, so I agreed. It was wonderful, but short. Two weeks later, he asked to see me again for sex. I obliged, convinced that he secretly still loved me. The problem is that I can’t just have sex, I need more but he told me that he does not want a relationship with me anymore. I’m devastated!!
Will I stay alone forever now that I’m turning 40? How do I cut loose from this man? How do you let go and trust that love will come by again?
-Molisa
Molisa, Stop having sex with this man immediately. You’re doing it all wrong!
The Wrong Way to Have Sex
No…I’m sure you’ve got the mechanics of it all figured out. I’m sure he’s totally turned on by the way you move and the noises you make. And I’m sure that whatever flavor sex it was, vanilla or spicy mexican chocolate, it felt great.
But you’re still doing it wrong. Because sex is not a means to an end. It’s not a tool to manipulate someone into loving you back...
When you use sex for a purpose other than just the joy of the moment (or conceiving a child), you ruin it.
When you had sex with him so that he would realize his mistake and want to get back together with you, you put yourself in a position to be disappointed and broken hearted. Sex is intimate; but that intimacy doesn’t promise a balancing of the scales. It only strengthens the connection on your end so that when he pulls away, it hurts more than before.
I’m being a little tough only because I don’t want you to get hurt unnecessarily.
Risking your heart for love is one thing; it’s courageous and noble. Being reckless and stupid is not. I’d like to show you a smarter way.
The Right Way to Have Sex
Whenever you have sex with someone it’s important to come in with a clear intention of what you want and then talk about it with your partner. Do not assume anything. Assume makes an ass of you and me whoever you’re sleeping with.
Don’t judge your intentions.
There’s no “right” or “wrong” intentions as long as you make them clear to your partner.
If it's a casual hook up with no strings attached, great, have the conversation with your partner to set up the agreement. If you want a commitment or a promise to pursue a relationship then you need to talk about that BEFORE you have sex.
You need to set up an agreement so that you’re both on the same page.
Sex is not supposed to be a means to an end. Sex is a beautiful in-the-moment intimacy and connection that can mean different things depending on the agreement.
Always make an agreement.
Sex On My Couch (So Wrong!)
You're not the first woman to have sex with an ex hoping to remind him of his love for you and get him back. And you won't be the last.
In fact, just last year a girl friend of mine had sex with her ex (also my friend) on my couch (gross.) She had the bed upstairs and she snuck down to the couch to seduce him. The sex was great for both of them but the day after broke my girl friend's heart.
My guy friend loved reconnecting with her but he was living in the moment and had no intention of getting back together with her. The moment was sweet.
It was nostalgic. He was horny. It’s not complicated.
He never meant to hurt or mislead her.
My girl friend on the other hand had grandiose designs on how that one night of sex was supposed to make him want a relationship again. I tell you this so that you know you are not alone in making this mistake.
Never use sex as a tool to manipulate a man; it backfires big time.
With love,